Allan Thermoose’s wife is in love with a blade of grass. It’s the 375th blade directly even with the crack in the third slab of sidewalk east of the mailbox. The blade gets full sun all day, and Allan, a stickler for lawn maintenance, is careful to water it, along with all the others, for approximately thirty minutes per day, moving the sprinkler three times to ensure even water distribution. He occasionally counts the residual droplets left on the tufts of grass fifteen minutes after he shuts off the water. If he’s not happy with the results, he repeats the process until he’s positive his lawn has had enough to drink.
This episode of the Drabblecast is concerned with strange love. In the drabble, a mother’s last thoughts are for her son as the mower’s blades cut her down but pass over him. In the feature, Allan Thermoose’s wife falls in love with a blade of grass. Her behavior increasingly unconventional includes: standing outside staring at the lawn, forbidding Allan to cut that blade, sleeping outside on the lawn, and dressing up for the blade. It soon becomes clear that action must be taken.
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Hah! 
Great intro. Story was fine, somewhat ordinary plot line though.
Great intro. Story was fine, somewhat ordinary plot line though.
Posted: February 27, 2012, 1:11 am
I just wanted to say that Acoustic Toothbrush is the name of my new Vampires Everywhere cover band. 
Posted: February 28, 2012, 3:43 am
Absurd, cute, fluffy.
If I were him, I do not think I would have put up with so much crap, particularly since it was all in the claims that the grass is her new lover. I think that I would move a wide circle around it, and if she wants to spend hours trimming the rest of it with scissors, that is her prerogative. Seriously. It was pretty funny, but it also made me sad. They need to sit down and have a talk about their relationship, a talk that may very well end with them agreeing that it's time to get a divorce, and will probably include talking about seeing a psychiatrist.
And when he wished that the soggy clump of leaves would love him, it seemed like he didn't really understand. Nobody claimed that the blade of grass loved her, only that she loved the blade of grass. The latter is entirely possible (though possibly a symptom of psychological issues), the former is another matter entirely.
I liked the drabble better than the story, it really made me feel for those plants. I'll probably think of that one every time I mercilessly decapitate the denizens of my lawn.
If I were him, I do not think I would have put up with so much crap, particularly since it was all in the claims that the grass is her new lover. I think that I would move a wide circle around it, and if she wants to spend hours trimming the rest of it with scissors, that is her prerogative. Seriously. It was pretty funny, but it also made me sad. They need to sit down and have a talk about their relationship, a talk that may very well end with them agreeing that it's time to get a divorce, and will probably include talking about seeing a psychiatrist.
And when he wished that the soggy clump of leaves would love him, it seemed like he didn't really understand. Nobody claimed that the blade of grass loved her, only that she loved the blade of grass. The latter is entirely possible (though possibly a symptom of psychological issues), the former is another matter entirely.
I liked the drabble better than the story, it really made me feel for those plants. I'll probably think of that one every time I mercilessly decapitate the denizens of my lawn.
Posted: February 29, 2012, 4:43 pm
Regarding the Drabble, I thought it was about bunnies. I've heard about more than one incident of a nest in tall grass being mowed. When Norm mentioned grass, I was like "Whew!"
Posted: March 1, 2012, 1:09 am
tbaker2500 wrote:
Regarding the Drabble, I thought it was about bunnies. I've heard about more than one incident of a nest in tall grass being mowed. When Norm mentioned grass, I was like "Whew!"
Im with you man...sniff, those poor little bunnies...why cant we all just get along. Cut grass...at least you can smoke it...
Posted: March 2, 2012, 4:40 pm
Unblinking wrote:
Absurd, cute, fluffy.
If I were him, I do not think I would have put up with so much crap, particularly since it was all in the claims that the grass is her new lover. I think that I would move a wide circle around it, and if she wants to spend hours trimming the rest of it with scissors, that is her prerogative. Seriously. It was pretty funny, but it also made me sad. They need to sit down and have a talk about their relationship, a talk that may very well end with them agreeing that it's time to get a divorce, and will probably include talking about seeing a psychiatrist.
And when he wished that the soggy clump of leaves would love him, it seemed like he didn't really understand. Nobody claimed that the blade of grass loved her, only that she loved the blade of grass. The latter is entirely possible (though possibly a symptom of psychological issues), the former is another matter entirely.
I liked the drabble better than the story, it really made me feel for those plants. I'll probably think of that one every time I mercilessly decapitate the denizens of my lawn.
but dont you see?? he loves her enough to put up with all that crap!! He does not wish to destroy the object of her affection lest he cause her pain! I have lived life from his perspective. Truly my husband was in love with his PS3, this electronic device gave him hours upon hours of entertainment. It let him push its buttons without saying “not now hon, I’m tired” ...he bought her new cables, and then cable ties to keep her cables from looking scraggly...he adored her. I could have killed her, created some kind of weird ass power spike somehow, but I knew how that would grieve him. So, I waited patiently, for my lover to return to me...When he did...well actually I’m still waiting.....
Posted: March 2, 2012, 4:48 pm
Christi wrote:Unblinking wrote:Absurd, cute, fluffy.
If I were him, I do not think I would have put up with so much crap, particularly since it was all in the claims that the grass is her new lover. I think that I would move a wide circle around it, and if she wants to spend hours trimming the rest of it with scissors, that is her prerogative. Seriously. It was pretty funny, but it also made me sad. They need to sit down and have a talk about their relationship, a talk that may very well end with them agreeing that it's time to get a divorce, and will probably include talking about seeing a psychiatrist.
And when he wished that the soggy clump of leaves would love him, it seemed like he didn't really understand. Nobody claimed that the blade of grass loved her, only that she loved the blade of grass. The latter is entirely possible (though possibly a symptom of psychological issues), the former is another matter entirely.
I liked the drabble better than the story, it really made me feel for those plants. I'll probably think of that one every time I mercilessly decapitate the denizens of my lawn.
but dont you see?? he loves her enough to put up with all that crap!! He does not wish to destroy the object of her affection lest he cause her pain! I have lived life from his perspective. Truly my husband was in love with his PS3, this electronic device gave him hours upon hours of entertainment. It let him push its buttons without saying “not now hon, I’m tired” ...he bought her new cables, and then cable ties to keep her cables from looking scraggly...he adored her. I could have killed her, created some kind of weird ass power spike somehow, but I knew how that would grieve him. So, I waited patiently, for my lover to return to me...When he did...well actually I’m still waiting.....
Haha, nice parallel. But what if he demanded you perform hours of maintenance upon the PS3 every week? Her ignoring him in favor of the grass is bad enough, but she actually asks that he do a ridiculous amount of extra work to facilitate her ignoring him. It would not be easy to trim all the blades of grass except for one in particular. Trying to speak of the PS3 (I am certainly not qualified to give any non-fictional people relationship advice), but regarding the guy in the story, he really needs to talk to her about this and make it clear how he feels. If she cares how he feels, then they can try to work something out (preferably one which involves her hand-cutting that area of grass). If she doesn't care how he feels, then that in itself is not a good sign.
Posted: March 2, 2012, 7:04 pm
True, she should trim her own damn patch of lawn.
They are both crazy though, and perhaps they deserve each other. He did after all hear the blade’s confession of love.
This may just be one of those things that bring them closer together. Perhaps in winter when the blade has faded and is covered in snow and it’s too cold for her to be outside…
If not, maybe they end up hacking each other to gory bits with chainsaws and lawnmowers ….there may be a sequel in there.
They are both crazy though, and perhaps they deserve each other. He did after all hear the blade’s confession of love.
This may just be one of those things that bring them closer together. Perhaps in winter when the blade has faded and is covered in snow and it’s too cold for her to be outside…
If not, maybe they end up hacking each other to gory bits with chainsaws and lawnmowers ….there may be a sequel in there.
Posted: March 5, 2012, 6:49 am
Christi wrote:
True, she should trim her own damn patch of lawn.
They are both crazy though, and perhaps they deserve each other. He did after all hear the blade’s confession of love.
This may just be one of those things that bring them closer together. Perhaps in winter when the blade has faded and is covered in snow and it’s too cold for her to be outside…
If not, maybe they end up hacking each other to gory bits with chainsaws and lawnmowers ….there may be a sequel in there.
Don't worry. A sequel is very much in the works. It probably won't be quite as gory as you suggest, but it's certainly going to be crazy.
Posted: March 8, 2012, 2:50 am
Thank you Nathaniel!
Crazy is good enough. I can get the gore elsewhere. More of what you have already gifted will be sublime.
Crazy is good enough. I can get the gore elsewhere. More of what you have already gifted will be sublime.
Posted: March 8, 2012, 6:21 am
Christi wrote:
Thank you Nathaniel!
Crazy is good enough. I can get the gore elsewhere. More of what you have already gifted will be sublime.
Rough draft is finished. I will continue working on this one, but I like where it's going. Hopefully I can find a good venue for it. Wink, wink - Drabblecast editors.
Posted: March 8, 2012, 7:11 pm
Please Uncle Norm? Pretty Pretty Please. With a tentacle on top???
Posted: March 9, 2012, 8:40 am
Christi wrote:
Please Uncle Norm? Pretty Pretty Please. With a tentacle on top???
I agree with this. I'll even add a second tentacle.
Just for fun, here's a very brief excerpt from the sequel:
On a Tuesday, the frost comes. His wife sleeps outside on top of the blade. Allan tells himself she's just doing that to keep it warm, but he can't help but feel there's something else going on. He watches all night, and he swears she thrusts a few times. And in the morning, he finds her body all limp and exhausted, and somehow she's covered in sweat despite the freezing temperature.
Posted: March 9, 2012, 8:10 pm
Oh, I'd mow that SOB down, burn it, and salt the earth.
Posted: March 16, 2012, 10:34 pm
The text version of "A Blade of Love" is in the latest issue of Bourbon Penn. Check out the issue here: http://www.bourbonpenn.com/issue/04/
Posted: April 4, 2012, 2:13 pm
