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Baxter

Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 9:58 pm
by ryansonofroy
Baxter was the only infant ever to attend Chrysalis Daycare who didn’t need a helmet to correct some form of plagiocephaly. Although his plastic headgear looked the same as other babies’, it had a very different purpose, and his caretaker Gloria knew this all too well. She rocked the little abomination swiftly in her arms, returning his hateful gaze, and spoke telepathically to him: “If you were my child, I would poison your bah-bah.” That brought a smile to the tiny freak’s face. “If you were my mother, I’d drink it.” Then he shit his pants, instantly overflowing his diaper.

Re: Baxter

Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:57 pm
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
It's got some fun elements and repurposes my favorite (disputed) Churchill exchange. But add some paragraph breaks, man!

Also, I so wanted to read something like this at the end:
Fantasy editor wrote:Startled, Gloria "accidentally" dropped him -- one more scuff on his headgear.
Welcome aboard, Ryansonofroy!

Re: Baxter

Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 12:09 pm
by strawman
Algernon Sydney is Dead wrote: Also, I so wanted to read something like this at the end:
Fantasy editor wrote:Startled, Gloria "accidentally" dropped him -- one more scuff on his headgear.
Easy for you to say. If he had given you what you'd like, you'd toss him out for 11 too many words. My quibble is with the last line. Diaper-clad babies may shit YOUR pants, but they have no pants to shit.

Also, paragraph breaks should come with an explanation: They mostly provide for a sense of "timing", like a rimshot. Drabbles are by nature dense. Breaks can add a sense of drama.
Example: notice the how much more dramatic:

"Startled, Gloria "accidentally" dropped him --

One more scuff on his headgear."


Finally, why do I feel as though a quibble ought to be exactly 100 syllables?

Re: Baxter

Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2015 8:56 am
by SpareInch
strawman wrote:Finally, why do I feel as though a quibble ought to be exactly 100 syllables?
Makes sense to me.

Re: Baxter

Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2015 6:40 pm
by ryansonofroy
Wow, look at all the feedback. Thanks everyone. My apologies for the vanishing act.
Algernon Sydney is Dead wrote:It's got some fun elements and repurposes my favorite (disputed) Churchill exchange.
Sharp eye. That's a pretty recognizable quote I presume? One of my favorites too.
Algernon Sydney is Dead wrote:Startled, Gloria "accidentally" dropped him -- one more scuff on his headgear.
Great note. Gloria becomes more of a character, rather than an object with one simple reaction. But, as Strawman points out... I'z outta words.
strawman wrote:My quibble is with the last line. Diaper-clad babies may shit YOUR pants, but they have no pants to shit.
As the warrior-poet Tupac says: I feel ya. Think I was going for some strictly figurative imagery. For example, if someone said pull up your "britches", (I'm from KY, people do talk that way) they're not actually referring to breeches, but my pants or shorts or whatever is covering up my bits and pieces. Also, consider maybe the baby was wearing pants. Both of my kids have "blown-out" diapers and literally shit their pants. (Then again, I think my kids have always excelled in the fecal arts.)

Paragraph breaks: You're all right. These 100 word ditties need every bit of help they can get. Breaks would definitely give the story cadence, rhythm and dramatic effect.

For the record, I hate the title. It's lazy, but it's all I got. Not a huge deal I guess, but does anyone have any better ideas?

Finally, is there some sort of Drabblecast writers' manual, where we can officially cite quibbles as 100 syllable statement/stories?

Thanks gang, so happy to have stumbled upon the Drabblecast and this whole community of weird.