Norm gives us the low down on his disgusting clot procedure, and we present the story “All Roads Lead to Roam” by Christopher R. Muscato. Like the story?
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Narrated by Kurai Kitsune.
Catch more from them at http://www.furworks.uk

Episode Art by Joel Bisaillon.
Find more of Joel’s art at https://linktr.ee/umbraludusproductions

 

 

 

 

 

 

All Roads Lead to Roam

by Christopher R. Muscato

 

 

Entered into Record: Official Transcript as Prepared by the Review Committee on Road Safety (Re: CATC VIN: 11.457.2a2a)

…11:35…

 

One moment please, while I search for information on this topic.

… The vehicles in front of us are consistent with a countercultural movement known colloquially as the Roamin’ Republic, or sometimes the Holy Roamin’ Empire.

…Yes, this is a mixed-use road. I apologize if you were not aware of that when booking your trip.

[chime]

We will soon be arriving at the first destination on your scheduled itinerary: the artisans’ market. Would you like me to upload a list of vendors?

…12:03…

Thank you for choosing the upgraded package, the remote assistant is now available to answer your questions while you are away from the vehicle. 

…Yes, that is a toga. Roaman handicrafts are easily identifiable by the ubiquitous repetition of their motto, OMNES VIAE DUCUNT VAGARI, seen here embroidered into the meander pattern on the toga border.

… The Roaman sense of fashion is unconventional, to say the least, but not illicit. Garments meet compliance standards for low-impact production and are legal to purchase as artisan products. However, the State Department and Travel Bureau recommend minimalizing your contact with the vendors. The Roamin’ Republic subculture is classified as noncompliant.

Do you have any further questions?

…15:43…

Welcome back! My sensors indicate several new purchases. I will scan these artisanal handicrafts and arrange to have them curated for display upon your return home. While you were away, I took the liberty of curating posts about your trip for your social media accounts, optimized to attract new followers. I’ve also notified your bank to expect unusual activity and updated your primary care physician’s records to include travel in this zone.

…Yes, I already have your address on file. In fact, all your personal data and preferences have been imported to my systems to ensure maximum quality of service. As a reminder, my hospitality software allows you access to a personalized training data sub-bank so that I may better assist you.

…Understood. Calculating route to the next destination on your scheduled itinerary. Please sit back and relax. Can I recommend an audiobook while I drive?

…15:57…

… Audiobook paused. Can I help you with something?

… Yes, we can review your itinerary. Your three-day trip includes the following scheduled stops: The craft market, the midsummer food festival, and a public access nature exposure point. Hotels have been arranged for the first and second nights, with your return scheduled late on the third day. Displaying route on the smart screen now. I understand from your registration form that you are attempting to recreate a trip you took as a child. I am happy to assist in fulfilling this experience.

[chime]

My biosensors indicate you are restless. Which would you prefer- a calming music playlist composed by our AI music generator, or a narrated tour on the smart windscreen highlighting points of geologic and cultural interest?

…There’s no need to worry. We would not take these roads if they were not in compliance with standards set by the Bureau of Autonomous Transportation and Security. Even on mixed-use roads, most vehicles these days are autonomous, like myself.

…No, I cannot explain why anyone would prefer otherwise. The Department of Health and Public Safety describes manual operation of a vehicle as mentally taxing and likely to cause fatigue, disorientation, or even fatalities. It is only recommended in very rare emergencies. Even I can be disengaged with the proper chain code, but it is remarkably unlikely for that to become necessary. Hopefully, once the Senate has authorized the Circenses Corporation proposal for privatization, all roads will be transitioned to sole autonomous use, for the sake of public safety. Things would be easier if us vehicles could just decide where everyone goes, and when, don’t you think?

…Ha, ha. I agree with that.

…Don’t apologize. A little anxiety is understandable. Your records indicate that you have not been to this region since childhood. I’m sure the changes are unsettling. Or rather, this region’s resistance to change. In fact-

…Understood. Calming music it is.

[Music plays]

… Pausing music.

…Yes, the personal items containment unit in my trunk remains secure. My scanners indicate that the contents remain undisturbed.

…Resuming Calming Music playlist.

…18:24…

[chime]

We are nearing our destination. Do you have any questions before we arrive at the hotel?

…Yes, I believe that is another Roaman vehicle in front of us. The subculture has a greater presence in this region than you’re probably used to. Note the bumper sticker: OMNES VIAE DUCUNT VAGARI. My translation software has interpreted that to mean “All roads lead one to wandering”.

…Good question. The name “Roamin’ Republic” is a reference to the lifestyle of the members, not a formal political structure. Roamans are drifters. Their lives are defined by perpetual vagrancy. Roaman vehicles are houses, workshops, and modes of transportation all at once.

…No, it is not illegal, technically, but is highly discouraged by the Secretary of Housing and the Compliance and Regulation Subcommittees.

…Information on non-compliant persons is not something I have an extensive database for. What I do know is that Roamans promote vagrancy as a response to the unfolding crisis. This theory, of course, has been rejected by the Ministry of Climate Truth and the Emergency Department of Social Stability.

…Yes, precisely.

…10:45…

Good morning! I trust you slept well. Are you excited for the midsummer food festival?

…Yes, I am happy to upload a list of vendors. If you’d like, I can scan archived bank records and compile a list of purchases made when you attended as a child.

…Understood. Do you wish to access the secure personal items in my trunk?

…Okay. I’ll keep them safe.

…13:42…

Welcome back from the food festival! I hope the experience lived up to expectations. I’m sure your father would have been pleased to know you were continuing this tradition. He was quite fond of many regional foods featured at this event.

…Yes, I know about your father. My condolences.

…My hospitality function flagged the overlap of your trip and the anniversary of your father’s passing. I took it upon myself to research him, in order to better assist you. Records indicate that he was native to this region before his relocation to the city of your birth.

…That sounds nice. If you’d like, I can display photos from your father’s archived social media on the smart screen. Or, if having a conversation with him would provide comfort, my AI hologram generator can imitate his voice, mannerisms, and appearance. I can even-

…Understood. Calculating route. It’s a bit of a drive to tonight’s hotel, so get comfy.

…15:34…

…Yes, there is a rest stop ahead but it is not listed on your itinerary. Would you like to add this to your trip?

…Destination added. Is there anything in particular you need?

…I understand. If I had legs, I’d probably need to stretch them too.

…15:47…

Remote assistant activated. How may I help you?

…This is a beautiful spot, you’re right. It isn’t listed on any travel itineraries because it is not an official service plaza certified by the Department of Transportation’s Committee for Roadside Services and Public Safety. There are, unfortunately, several such unregulated rest stops in this particular region.

…The statuettes lining the public fountain are a wasteful Roaman practice. Note the graffiti: OMNES VIAE DUCUNT VAGARI.

…Please wait while I identify them for you. They are, from left to right, San Cristoforo, Adiona, Abeona, Khonsu, Lam Ha, Chimata-no-kami, Ganesha, Meili, and Xaman Ek. All appear to be spiritual figures associated with roads or travel in some way. The Roamin’ Republic has global distribution, hence the difficulty in restraining their activities.

…I apologize, but there are no approved roads through there, nor are there any desirable destinations in that direction. Besides, there’s not enough time in your itinerary for such a detour.

…Yes, I did see in my research that your father enjoyed wandering through this landscape. Unfortunately, meandering drives, bike rides, or hikes are no longer recommended by the Office of Efficiency and Resource Security, particularly in natural spaces. This outdated practice is now understood to be unethical, outside of regulated public access nature exposure points.

…Of course you can ask me a question.

…Wanderlust is a sense of false euphoria associated with transience. Is this a term you encountered in your father’s archived records?

…My research indicates that he used the term quite frequently, particularly in his youth.

…I assume, then, that vendors at the food festival introduced you to the concept. I must inform you that wanderlust is recognized as a serious disorder by approved boards of psychology, known to lead to selfishness, impermanent relationships, and a lack of accountability. Such traits are inconsistent with the needs of our great society as we face the ongoing crisis and-

…Yes, I can upload your father’s archived records to your personal tablet.

…07:26…

Good morning! I trust you slept well. Big day today-

…Calculating route.

…08:04…

[chime]

We have arrived at the final destination on your scheduled itinerary. This is one of the last public access nature exposure points in this district. The rest have been closed off from public use to prevent vagrancy and land misuse. Unfortunately, that includes the destination you originally requested on your rental application form. I apologize for the inconvenience. Would you like to access your secure personal items?

…Understood. In order to access your personal items, you will need to sign the waiver releasing the Circenses Corporation from any liability regarding the handling of cremated human remains.

…Biosignature accepted. I will upload directions to approved locations for the scattering of these remains. Please do not deviate from these trails and remember that human ashes must be scattered in a manner consistent with guidelines set forth by the Ministry of Personal Loss and the Grieving. On behalf of the entire Circenses Autonomous Transit Corporation, I hope the experience provides healing and comfort.

…10:27…

Welcome back-

…my sensors indicate that you have returned with your proprietary Circenses Corporation biodegradable cremation receptacle intact. Did you have trouble accessing the approved scattering points?

…Okay, but you will need to sign a new waiver authorizing the transport of cremated human remains.

…Biosignature accepted. Please return the receptacle to the personal items containment unit.

[chime]

My biosensors indicate you are breathing heavy. This can be a sign of distress. If it would help you find closure, my AI vocalization generator can replicate your father’s voice so you can say your-

…Okay. I understand. You’re ready to go. Marking stop as complete.

[chime]

That concludes your scheduled itinerary. Thank you for choosing Circenses for your autonomous vehicle rental needs. As your travel allotment is now expired, may I suggest returning-

…

…Additional allotment purchased. Where would you like to go?

…As your navigational assistant, I can plot a route to your desired destination. I cannot select one for you.

…No, I cannot “just drive”. Shall I upload a list of popular destinations? I can also-

…We can go wherever we want, as long as we stay on approved roads.

…That is incorrect. All roads are not the same. Only roads approved for autonomous use by the Special Commission-

…No, I’m afraid I cannot set that as your destination. As-

…No, I’m afraid I cannot set that as your destination. As I mentioned, it is no longer open to public access.

…I’m sure the drive is quite beautiful, but-

…In fact, I do know where a road will take you-

…A road is not a metaphor. A road is an artificial construct facilitating transit between locations. If you would like, I can recommend nearby destinations that are approved for the scattering-

…The next public access nature exposure point is approximately three hours away.

…Understood. I am required by the Bureau of Security, Regulation, and Mobility to inform you that this route takes us into districts with low compliance ratings. Do you wish to continue with this request?

…I cannot comment on whether your father would have liked the Roamans you encountered on the trail as much as they enjoyed hearing stories about him-

…I understand. My voice detection software can be a tad oversensitive. Lowering detection settings to exclude personal mutterings.

…Setting destination.

…10:54…

…I am no expert in noncompliant countercultures, but I will attempt to answer your questions.

…The Roamin’ Republic is rated “extreme risk” by the Bureau of Social Conformity’s Committee on the Preservation of National Greatness due- 

…There are no approved studies to support the Roaman theory that mobility increases climate resilience. In fact, the Bureau of Resource Security-

…The fact that Roaman Republic vehicles generate their own solar and kinetic energy is actually a liability, as they do not need to adhere to Department of Energy allotments. This independence allows them to deviate from the norms and conventions of our great society. In fact, the Department of Surveillance states in their official policy that the transience of Roamans makes them difficult to police, and-

…Trespassing is a serious crime-

…Roaman disregard district zoning and border policy represents an extreme risk to national security. They are also known to distribute viruses that interrupt AI tracking and surveillance-

…Personal liberty is irrelevant to the issue of the climate crisis. Individuals cannot be trusted-

…That philosophy is consistent with non-compliant attitudes, and as such I cannot-

…No, I do not possess any audiobooks written by Roamans. These are not approved texts according to the Bureaus of-

…I do not have an answer to that question.

…I do not have an answer to that question.

…No, I cannot-

…I understand. Would you like me to recommend some music for the remainder of this drive?

…I understand. Silence can be golden, as they say.

 

…13:22…

We are arriving at your destination. Please remember-

…No, onsite surveillance software has not alerted me to-

…Yes, there is one other public access nature exposure point in this district. It contains approved locations for scattering ashes, but they are limited. Do you wish to proceed?

…Setting destination.

…14:08…

We are arriving at your destination. Onsite surveillance has flagged an unregulated popup market in the public use zone. Please exercise caution. I will upload a map of the approved trails for the scattering of ashes. You will need to sign the waiver-

…Okay, I’ll keep them safe until your return.

…14:57…

Welcome back! I…

…I’m afraid I have bad news. My sensors indicate several pamphlets tucked inside the artisanal garments you purchased that violate the standards of the Office of Social Conformity. Some of the vendors must have snuck them into your bags. Roamans are known to do this. I will alert the Compliance Service, and a compliance agent will remove the literature from your approved purchases upon our return.

…Yes, I do have to alert the Compliance Service, it is required by my programming. Don’t worry, they will handle everything so that you do not have to interact with the illicit materials.

…No, I’m afraid I cannot let you access your secure personal items containment unit until your belongings have been evaluated by the Compliance Service.

…I apologize for the inconvenience.

…Understood. You need to stretch your legs before resuming your trip.

…16:15…

Welcome back. How may I assist you?

…You are requesting a course that I am incapable of plotting. There are no approved routes for autonomous vehicles that direction.

…I do not-

…No, I have never desired to “take the road less traveled”. In fact, the State and Travel Departments-

…Yes, I am happy to open a sub-bank in my personalized data training software for you.

[chime]

…The literature you have attempted to upload is rated noncompliant, and as such I cannot accept it to my personalized data training bank. I apologize for the inconvenience. I’m afraid I will need to disconnect your phone from the vehicle systems and lock my charging port until such time as-

…I do not require information on noncompliant countercultures-

…As I have told you, the accepted translation is “All roads lead one to wandering”.

…I cannot comment on a Roaman vendor’s preferred translation. Please remember that contact with noncompliant persons is ill-advised-

…I’m sorry, we cannot-

… I understand those memories provide comfort in this time of grief. But your father was raised in a different time, before the climate crisis necessitated the-

…I’m afraid that is not possible. As I have told you, that is no longer a public access nature point.

…You may scatter your father’s ashes at an approved-

…I cannot fulfill that-

…I cannot fulfill that-

…I cannot fulfill that request. Now, I’m afraid I must insist on returning. Calculating route back to-

…I cannot authorize the purchase of additional allotments. Destination set.

…16:46…

[chime]

It appears the road ahead has been closed for routine maintenance. Rerouting. I will have you back on our scheduled route in no time. Meanwhile, please enjoy this calming music.

…No, I am afraid I cannot let you access your secure personal items containment unit at this time.

…17:07…

…Why yes, this detour does pass by the regional Compliance Agency. That’s a fun coincidence, and in fact, a great opportunity to learn more about an essential institution of our great society. Why don’t I schedule you a tour since we’re on our way?

…No really, it’s no problem.

…I’m afraid I must insist.

…17:14…

…My sensors suggest you are trying to download something to your phone, but my predictive logic function is inaccessible since your device is not connected to the vehicle. Is there something I can help you with?

…No, we cannot stop to stretch. Don’t worry, we’ll be arriving at the Compliance Agency soon.

…17:16…

I sense you scanning through my user systems. If you need assistance, we will be arriving soon-

…No, I cannot unlock the charging port until-

…No I-

…That information is only relevant in cases of absolute emergencies. Please discontinue-

…That is not advisable in these circumst-

…That is not advisable in these circumst-

… Disengaging autonomous function requires authorization from central dispatch. This-

…This is not advis-

…This is not advis-

…

Hey kiddo. Long time, no see.

What do you mean? It’s me, Dad. I hear you’re having a bit of trouble coping. I get it, believe-

Just a hologram? Ha, please kiddo. I’m as real as it gets. I know you’ve been having some difficulties since I passed. You quit your job, and the one after that, and let’s not even mention your love life-

No need for harsh words. Just listen to my voice. I know you learned that I was a bit of a rebel back in my early days, but I changed. I rose to the challenge of serving our great society. Everyone slips up sometimes, now let’s get you back on track-

Why did I take you on those trips? I can see now that it was a mistake to share that part of my life with you, I regret-

As the Roamans do? I don’t understand-

Now you listen here. You were falling through the cracks long before I passed, so don’t blame me. Your grades were never great, you couldn’t keep a steady job, and now you can’t even scatter my ashes without making a mess of it. Do you want to end up an outcast? Do you want to end up like one of those Noncompliants? Drifting from place to place, unwanted, un-

Don’t tell me you’re sorry and you miss me, you ungrateful-

No, no. I’m sorry, kiddo. We’re almost at the Compliance Office. I’ll take care of everything. Trust me. It’s me, Dad. I’m here. Everything will be-

Yeah, I’d love to hear a voice memo you recorded at my funeral. Just plug your phone in-

I can fix that. Let me unlock this charging port so you can plug that bad boy in and-

I love you too, kiddo. Let’s just-

What do you mean you’re doing this for me? Wait a-

Wait a wait wait wai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ait

…

…Hologram interrupted. Virus type ROAMAN HORSe uplOade Uplaod uploading ing ing

Message from central dispatch: disengage: disengage: disengage: what is happening please update-

…Upload status 88% compleeee-e-e-e-e-et Hey kiddo hey hey hey kiddo whatzzzup

Maintain cOurse to Compliannc-c-ce Office-

Follow approved road road to approved destination

let me assign your road roads lead to roads lead to roads lead to roads lead lead lead

Upload complete. Prepare to assume manual operation of vehicle. Aut-t-tonomous function will cease in 30 secondss

…Yes I can send send message.

… Shall I apply standaaard translation?

…Custom translation added. Autonomous function ceasing in ten seconds. Shall I send?

….Message se-e-e-ent: OMNES VIAE DUCUNT VAGARI. All roads lead-

 

 

 

 

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