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Drabbleclassics 1 – Clown Eggs (115)

Cover for Drabblecast episode 115, Clown Eggs, by Bo KaierAuthor Jay Lake knew about the devil and he knew about the clowns. When his story, Clown Eggs, first appeared on the Drabblecast, listeners said things like “This might be, hands-down, the weirdest story I’ve ever heard on [The Drabblecast].  I think I’m going to have nightmares forever. Can I send my therapy bills to you guys?” (Thanks, Talia)

In other words, people loved it.

Since then, the Drabblecast has produced three other outpourings from Jay’s singular vision of the world (or a world – or some worlds, but hopefully not our own).   In fact, Jay’s last professional sale was “The Goat Cutter,” Drabblecast 321, the story from last April about the Devil in Texas.    You remember that story- you can’t forget it, even though you’ve tried.

Jay lost his battle with cancer on Sunday, June 1, 2014. In tribute to Jay, we’re kicking off Drabbleclassics with several weeks of Jay Lake’s stories.

And now: Episode 115, Clown Eggs, first published May 25th, 2009.


The spring tide rolled across Momus Beach, tossing the flaccid corpses of clowns like so many torn balloons. Weathered to a dispirited pallor, they twisted in the foamy surf with the eternally surprised expressions of the dead..

The Drabble describes either an apocalyptic event, or a simple machine. The feature introduces us to old “bull” clown Uncle Swarmy. It’s not just another day at the beach. Learn more about the clown life cycle than you’re comfortable with!

Drabblecast 322 – The Carnival Was Eaten, All Except the Clown

Cover for Drabblecast 322, The Carnival Was Eaten, All Except the Clown, by Shea BartelThe magician’s table was covered by a sheet of plywood, four feet square, completely wrapped up in aluminum foil. Sugar magic was messy magic, and the foil made for easier cleanup. Scattered across the aluminum were misshapen chunks of candy, the seeds from which the carnival would grow. And grow it did.

 

 

 

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Drabblecast B-Sides 43 – The Parasite Parade

Cover for Drabblecast B-Sides 43, Parasite's Parade, by Bo KaierIf you could shrink tiny, and drop down your own throat
Like the tiniest of captains on the tiniest of boats
I bet you’d be shocked at the things that you saw
In the dark and the damp of your damp and dark maw.

Your body’s a marvel, it’s one of a kind
Which is why countless scary small things live inside!
They can’t live in houses, as most of us do
So they climb inside people– like me and like you!

Do you hear the band playing– that merry old song?
While the horns play the chorus and the crowd sings along?
Down Main Street they march, that gay promenade
Which float is your favorite in the Parasite Parade?

Drabblecast 320 – Half a Conversation, Overheard While Inside An Enormous Sentient Slug

Cover for Drabblecast 320, Half a Conversation, Overheard While Inside An Enormous Sentient Slug, by Skeet ScienskiThank you, Inspector. I’m ready.

Yes, I understand my rights as a resident extraterrestrial. No, that won’t be necessary.

Of course. Ask me anything. I only wish to see justice done.

It grieves me to say so, but I concur. There’s no doubt about who murdered Lord Ash.

 

 

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Drabblecast 311 – Birds of the Air

Cover for Drabblecast 311, Birds of the Air, by Spencer BinghamThomas takes his lunch outside the shelter, on one of the park benches that look out over the interstate and down all the way to the containment pond. He has wondered whether a passerby seeing him from the highway would know whether he worked at the shelter or was one of its clients. He has had this thought most days that he has sat here. Today, though, his attention has been arrested by a small patch of goose­like objects floating out on the containment pond. If they are geese, it will be the first time he has seen a living thing on that pond.

 

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Drabblecast 309 – All the Young Kirks and Their Good Intentions

Cover for Drabblecast 309, All the Young Kirks and Their Good Intentions, by Jonathan Wilson2249 A.D.

All the young Kirks in Riverside Public High School are assigned to the same Homeroom class. They sit together in the back corner on the far side from the door. They speak only to each other.

The young Kirk on the Moon goes to school with no one. Each of the colonists has a job and he or she is responsible only to the duties of that job. The others call him Fisher instead of James since he spends his days knee deep in the trout pond, allowing the fish to glide between his legs. When the fish become completely inured to his presence, he thrusts his hands into the water and grasps one around the belly. It fights and Fisher holds on. He is supposed to take it out of the water, to throw it into the white bucket by the shore, but Fisher never does. He lets the fish go and when he comes home, with nothing to show for it, his mother expresses her irrevocable disappointment and sends him to bed.

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Drabblecast B-Sides 36 – Warm Regression

Cover for Drabblecast B-Sides episode 36, Warm Regression, by Mary MatticeThere were always bright rings on the doorbell and smiling faces carrying covered dishes. There was always a peck on the cheek for us kids when grandma came, and always a strong handshake from grandpa. His big warm hands always convinced us that he was as strong as he was wise. All of them would pile in, cherry red cheeks and warm mittens. They would brush off all the snow from outside and remind us how cold it was where we lived. It was true, we lived in one of the coldest parts of the country, and there was always a blizzard on Christmas Eve.

Drabblecast B-Sides 35 – Teaching Bigfoot to Read

Cover for Drabblecast B-Sides episode 35, Teaching Bigfoot to Read, by Mary MatticeDear Bigfoot,

Life on the moon sucks. Dad got home early from the air factory today and I wasn’t done cleaning the dishes from breakfast so he broke my breakfast bowl over my head. Guess I’ll have to eat out of his bowl tomorrow.

Dad says he’s gonna have to get a new job. Not that he told me. He told Melinda, the girl he’s been bringing home lately. They drank the last of his screech — that’s this nasty rum like they used to make back on Earth — then started poking each other on the bottom bunk while I sat on the top. Dad caught me peaking and near took my eye out when he threw his boot. Melinda calmed him down at least, and they got back to poking at each other.

Drabblecast 306 – Trifecta XXVI

Cover for Drabblecast 306, Trifecta XXVI, by Gino MorettoWhile sipping my tea in the morning, I find a small, only two inches long, naked female corpse on the bottom of the cup. Her white skin fades int the white porcelain, tiny gobs of tea leafs cover her round breasts. I immediately slap the cup down, and snick across to the phone to call the police. I forget all about checking if she’s really dead. Of course, how could I give her a mouth to mouth resuscitation, if not? Her body is about the size of a match-stick.

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Drabblecast 305 – Testimony Before an Emergency Session of The Naval Cephalopod Command

Cover for Drabblecast 305, Testimony Before an Emergency Session of The Naval Cephalopod Command, by Bo KaierThe squid is a solipsistic psychopathic God with a lust for submarine hull and a mandate from Ronald Reagan branded on its hunting tentacles. It sweeps east from Iceland in the cold under the
thermocline, alone in the dark, solitary lord of a solitary place.

 
 
 
 

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Drabblecast B-Sides 33 – Free Range

Cover for Drabblecast B-Sides episode 33, Free Range, by Haley GrunlohAfter she lost interest in the green eggs—yes, green chicken eggs (taste the same, look dyed, so what’s the point?)—my neighbor Johanna started raising black chickens. Yes, black ones. They’re popular in China for reasons ranging from nutrition to superstition, and she’d gotten three hens and a rooster from a guy in Chinatown—in exchange for the last two green-egg chickens she had.

“Green is good now in China,” he said. “Helps make a man’s pole longer.”

“Right,” she told him. “Don’t need to kill rhinoceros and go to jail for long pole anymore.”

Drabblecast B-Sides 30 – The Tribe

Cover for Drabblecast B-Sides episode 30, The Tribe, by Bo KaierThe grass is cool against my skin. A nice contrast from the burning hot sun hanging in a sky the color of pale skin, sickly and suffocating. I’m naked but I think I’ve always been this way. There’s a moment of comfort, like everything is going to be OK, before I remember that nothing is going to be OK, and everything is fucked.

Drabblecast B-Sides 29 – The Lemon-Green Spaghetti-Loud Dynamite-Dribble Day

Cover for Drabblecast B-Sides episode 29, The Lemon-Green Spaghetti-Loud Dynamite-Dribble Day, by Bo KaierTestimony of Witness No. 5671 before the Special Presidential Investigative Commission. Leonard Drucker, thirty-one years old, unmarried, of 238 West 10th Street, New York City, Borough of Manhattan, employed as a salesman by the Har-Bern Office Partition Company of 205 East 42nd Street, New York City, Borough of Manhattan. Witness, being placed under oath, does swear and depose:
Well, I don’t know, the telephone woke me up about eight A.M. on that Wednesday morning. I grabbed at it, half falling out of bed, and finally managed to juggle it up to my ear. A girl’s voice was saying, “Hello, Lennie? Is that you, Lennie? Hello?”

Drabblecast 290 – The Screaming Door

Cover for Drabblecast 290, The Screaming Door, by Forrest WarnerIt has been two hundred days since the door to my study began screaming. I was nodding over a volume of Edwin Corang’s collected prose when I first felt it; a curious ripple that moved through the
room, standing my hair on edge, followed by the sensation of coffee spilling into my lap as the screaming began…

 

 

 

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Drabblecast 287 – Sweetie

Cover for Drabblecast episode 287, Sweetie, by Raoul IzzardAudiences have so little respect, these days.

Admittedly, my little travelling show isn’t what it once was. We’ve been on the road for a long, long time. But I like to think that for the discerning customer, we still provide value for money. An experience you can’t get from the computer screen–the modern freakshow–despite all its tricks and special effects…

 

 

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Drabblecast B-Sides 23 – Picobeasts

Cover for Drabblecast B-Sides episode 23, Picobeasts, by Jonathan SimsMost Helpful Customer Reviews

5.0 Stars

“Technological marvel, and affordable too!!!”After disappointing experiences with related products, I decided to take a chance with the new Picobeast Remote Camera, Model TA-55. What a wonder! The set-up was easy, the instructions clear and concise. I’ve been trying to get my ten year-old son interested in the natural world, and this device has been a godsend. A wooded ravine runs next to our backyard, and while I assumed we had nocturnal neighbors, it was a revelation when just one night’s surveillance yielded images of raccoons and opossums and a red fox happily going about their lives. My son was so enchanted that he insisted on making treats for our wild friends. Within the week, our bait was bringing a parade of animals, including a badger and mink, and what looks for the world to be a wolf-dog hybrid, if not a pure Canis lupus. I don’t know which of my neighbors owns the beast, much less keeps it hidden…

Drabblecast 286 – Unique Chicken Goes in Reverse

Cover for Drabblecast episode 286, Unique Chicken Goes in Reverse, by David KrummenacherFather Leggett stood on the sidewalk and looked up at the three narrow stories of gray brick that was 207 East Charlton Street. Compared to the other edifices on Lafayette Square—the Colonial Dames fountain, the Low house, the Turner mansion, the cathedral of course—this house was decidedly ordinary, a reminder that even Savannah had buildings that did only what they needed to do, and nothing more.
He looked again at the note the secretary at St. John the Baptist had left on his desk. This note read:
OCONNORS
MARY
PRIEST?
CHICKEN!

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Drabblecast B-Sides 21 – On the Return of Pabstus Tack

Cover for Drabblecast B-Sides episode 21, On the Return of Pabstus Tack, by Spencer BinghamPabstus Tack came back! He’d been away to sea. The sea was vast and wet. That is what he told them, at the symposium held to mark his return. He was not believed, at first. How could anything be so vast?, so wet?, they asked. He had an implausible air, and a ratty moustache. The moustache was new…

Drabblecast 281 – Doubleheader XII

Cover for Drabblecast episode 281, Doubleheader XII, by Spencer BinghamPabstus Tack, Pabstus Sludge, Pabstus! Pabstus! Of him we sing. We sing his praises, it seems to me, for want of anything better to do. Pabstus Tack sits on his great golden throne, belching out light, a blinding light as gorgeous as it is uncanny. And yet it is an impure light, that is certain, for with Pabstus Tack comes Pabstus Sludge…

Drabblecast 280 – Trifecta XXV

Cover for Drabblecast episode 280, Trifecta XXV, by Matthew MatticeYou’ve been one-legged since the lasso trap. Your personal ad says “Kids: undecided” even though you desperately want two.

When the maître d’ shows you to your blind date’s table, you are pleased with her prominent forehead and symmetric face. She has potential.

Before you can sit, her eyes drift to where your missing leg would be and snap back to your face. She forces a smile.

You talk menu.

She likes the braised shank.

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